SARAH PALIN INTERVIEW (SATIRE)

INTERVIEW WITH SARAH PALIN

Photo by Eric Salmonried

Kevin Kissass is a Las Vegas television reporter and hosts his own weekly show.  He was selected by the Palin team after her tour of Carson City September 13.  The interview took place in her suite at the Summit Casino in Reno.

 

Kevin Kissass: Many of us are wondering who the real Sarah Palin is.  Are you the wolf-killing, hockey mom pit bull mayor of a town of 5,000, or are you a national pin-up poster like “Rosie the Riveter” in the 40’s?”

Ms. Palin:  Well, I like to think of myself as a reformer, you know, I want to go to Washington and reform things, and make this country a better place to live.

Kevin Kissass: I was assuming you are running with John McCain as a Vice-President.  VP’s aren’t known for being able to do much politically and it would be Mr. McCain’s administration not yours.

Ms. Palin:  Yes, you’re correct, but your assumptions are based on extremist unsubstantiated liberal views and the fact that I’m there in the White House gives me the ability to reform Washington.

Kevin Kissass: That makes no sense at all.

Ms. Palin:  You just don’t get it, do you?  I’m a reformer, as a reformer is a reformer.  Like Lincoln only without the log cabin.  After he chopped that cherry tree down, the country changed for the better and that’s what I want to do, lose these damn cherry trees in Washington.  I mean look what Lincoln accomplished.  He had God on his side and sent his troops out there after talking with the Almighty….and he won, HE WON!  How can you argue with that?  Russia’s a piece of cake once we just have Jesus on our side.  You still don’t believe me do you?

Kevin Kissass: mmmmmphhhhhhhh (gagged)

Ms. Palin: Look I know my history. King Constantine looked up in the sky the day before he attacked Rome and he saw a cross.  The next day he conquered Rome and made Christianity the only religion of truth.  That’s real history Kevin and people will just have to deal with that this country has a hotline to God.  (sips some water)

Look, a lot of women want to think I’m just like them, or they want to live through my actions because they themselves have no lives…..what’s wrong with that? I’m tapping into that vacuum of American culture.  The men love me and it’s because the typical American woman drones on relentlessly about her body, the true nature of feminism, what the sun is doing to her skin, how she can do anything a man can do, the necessity of fulfillment, the equal division of household chores, how sand and palm trees make her look fat, how her last boyfriend respected her opinion and treated her nicer than they do, and how her relationship with her mother is the root cause of all her problems, and why didn’t she get her nails done and go shopping instead of watching this interview.  Men like the idea of a dominatrix VP that whips them in high heels with no questions asked instead of bothering them with needless talking about things that don’t require solutions.  Sex sells. Sex rules.  I am the Maytag of sexual spin.  Christ, I made a career out of it, are you that stupid not to see that? 

Kevin Kissass: mmmmmphhhhhhhh (still gagged)

Once I’m in the White House, whenever I want something, after a couple of flashes of my bountiful northern acreage, Johnny will be like soppy moose gizzards in my hands.  If that doesn’t do it, then he risks a heart attack once I expose the barrels of my lower reserves. He will do my will, fight my fights.  You men just don’t understand the power of the……

Kevin Kissass:  Okay, Okay!  I think we get the message there, hold on while I get this gag completely off. (Struggles and gets the gag off)

….your handlers are telling me to end the interview…. (Video cuts to 5 hillbilly types with shotguns and high powered rifles pointed at him)

Kevin Kissass: Is there anything else you’d like to say before we wrap this up?

Ms. Palin:  Like I said, I’m a reformer and to vote for my ticket will insure that we overturn Roe vs. Wade, keep attacking the 9/11 masterminds in Iraq, and cut entitlements for every state but mine.  We need to keep the conservative movement in power, but reform it and make it better like double-thick Oreos.

Kevin Kissass: But President Bush has been in power for the last eight years…. (Cut off, someone punches him in face)

Ms. Palin:  Well, see that’s just it.  The last eight years just didn’t happen. This is America Kevin. When I became a beauty queen winner back in the 80’s, didn’t you see that episode of Dallas where Bobby Ewing appears in the shower after everyone thought he was dead?  Well, that’s what happened and if you don’t believe me, then what can you believe about America? I’m a reformer; I’m going to reform Washington, once I figure out where that is.

Kevin Kissass: (holding his jaw) Thank you Ms. Palin, and please untie me now.