SARAH PALIN INTERVIEW (SATIRE)

INTERVIEW WITH SARAH PALIN

Photo by Eric Salmonried

Kevin Kissass is a Las Vegas television reporter and hosts his own weekly show.  He was selected by the Palin team after her tour of Carson City September 13.  The interview took place in her suite at the Summit Casino in Reno.

 

Kevin Kissass: Many of us are wondering who the real Sarah Palin is.  Are you the wolf-killing, hockey mom pit bull mayor of a town of 5,000, or are you a national pin-up poster like “Rosie the Riveter” in the 40’s?”

Ms. Palin:  Well, I like to think of myself as a reformer, you know, I want to go to Washington and reform things, and make this country a better place to live.

Kevin Kissass: I was assuming you are running with John McCain as a Vice-President.  VP’s aren’t known for being able to do much politically and it would be Mr. McCain’s administration not yours.

Ms. Palin:  Yes, you’re correct, but your assumptions are based on extremist unsubstantiated liberal views and the fact that I’m there in the White House gives me the ability to reform Washington.

Kevin Kissass: That makes no sense at all.

Ms. Palin:  You just don’t get it, do you?  I’m a reformer, as a reformer is a reformer.  Like Lincoln only without the log cabin.  After he chopped that cherry tree down, the country changed for the better and that’s what I want to do, lose these damn cherry trees in Washington.  I mean look what Lincoln accomplished.  He had God on his side and sent his troops out there after talking with the Almighty….and he won, HE WON!  How can you argue with that?  Russia’s a piece of cake once we just have Jesus on our side.  You still don’t believe me do you?

Kevin Kissass: mmmmmphhhhhhhh (gagged)

Ms. Palin: Look I know my history. King Constantine looked up in the sky the day before he attacked Rome and he saw a cross.  The next day he conquered Rome and made Christianity the only religion of truth.  That’s real history Kevin and people will just have to deal with that this country has a hotline to God.  (sips some water)

Look, a lot of women want to think I’m just like them, or they want to live through my actions because they themselves have no lives…..what’s wrong with that? I’m tapping into that vacuum of American culture.  The men love me and it’s because the typical American woman drones on relentlessly about her body, the true nature of feminism, what the sun is doing to her skin, how she can do anything a man can do, the necessity of fulfillment, the equal division of household chores, how sand and palm trees make her look fat, how her last boyfriend respected her opinion and treated her nicer than they do, and how her relationship with her mother is the root cause of all her problems, and why didn’t she get her nails done and go shopping instead of watching this interview.  Men like the idea of a dominatrix VP that whips them in high heels with no questions asked instead of bothering them with needless talking about things that don’t require solutions.  Sex sells. Sex rules.  I am the Maytag of sexual spin.  Christ, I made a career out of it, are you that stupid not to see that? 

Kevin Kissass: mmmmmphhhhhhhh (still gagged)

Once I’m in the White House, whenever I want something, after a couple of flashes of my bountiful northern acreage, Johnny will be like soppy moose gizzards in my hands.  If that doesn’t do it, then he risks a heart attack once I expose the barrels of my lower reserves. He will do my will, fight my fights.  You men just don’t understand the power of the……

Kevin Kissass:  Okay, Okay!  I think we get the message there, hold on while I get this gag completely off. (Struggles and gets the gag off)

….your handlers are telling me to end the interview…. (Video cuts to 5 hillbilly types with shotguns and high powered rifles pointed at him)

Kevin Kissass: Is there anything else you’d like to say before we wrap this up?

Ms. Palin:  Like I said, I’m a reformer and to vote for my ticket will insure that we overturn Roe vs. Wade, keep attacking the 9/11 masterminds in Iraq, and cut entitlements for every state but mine.  We need to keep the conservative movement in power, but reform it and make it better like double-thick Oreos.

Kevin Kissass: But President Bush has been in power for the last eight years…. (Cut off, someone punches him in face)

Ms. Palin:  Well, see that’s just it.  The last eight years just didn’t happen. This is America Kevin. When I became a beauty queen winner back in the 80’s, didn’t you see that episode of Dallas where Bobby Ewing appears in the shower after everyone thought he was dead?  Well, that’s what happened and if you don’t believe me, then what can you believe about America? I’m a reformer; I’m going to reform Washington, once I figure out where that is.

Kevin Kissass: (holding his jaw) Thank you Ms. Palin, and please untie me now.

 

Why Did The Chicken Cross The Road?- Las Vegas Style

 

Las Vegas Motorist-Is that what that sound was a while back?

 

Las Vegas Resident-That there’s a gamblin’ chicken, let’s grab it and go play Mega Bucks!

 

Las Vegas Mayor Oscar Goodman-If one of those chickens even thinks they are going to sleep under an overpass I’ll send em’ packin’ to Utah!

 

Las Vegas’ Steve Wynn-We don’t cater to chickens crossing roads at our hotel unless they have a five star Mobil rating.

 

Las Vegas’ Sheldon Adelson (Venetian)  We allow all chickens to have conventions here regularly, especially those who hate Steve Wynn.

 

Las Vegas Tropicana-We don’t want any more problems with poultry or any other culinary enterprise.

 

Las Vegas Governor Gibbons-Well if the little chick wants to have a drink with me, what’s the harm?

 

Las Vegas Reporter George Knapp-This chicken must have come from an alien craft at a place called ” S-4″ in Nevada’s Area  51, according to my source Bob Lazar, and actually flew across the road.

 

Las Vegas’ Water Authority’s Pat Mulroy-If you think that chicken is going to stop us from running this water pipeline to the north of this state, that’s pure chickenshit.

 

Siegfried & Roy-That chicken would have been safer than our tigers, for sure.

 

Pamela Anderson-This town has enough strutting breasts, who cares about this one?

 

Gary Waddell-We’re live with the Channel 8 helicopter and can report that the walk is now over and the casino evacuation has ended.

 

Nevada Tavern Owners Association-We cater to chickens that want to smoke and cross roads!

 

Nevada Health District-That chicken will never smoke in our taverns if we catch her, now if she crosses the road and gets hepatitis from a health clinic that’s a different matter.

 

Nevada Resident Heidi Fleiss-That chicken is welcome on my ranch anytime as long as she produces.

 

Brian Greenspun-That chicken has been ignored by the right wing fanatics of the media and should be allowed to cross and cross and cross as many roads as she wants.

 

The Las Vegas Sun-Whatever the Review Journal thinks, we disagree.

 

City Life Magazine-Unless that chicken wants to do an interactive interview from a brothel, we don’t care how many roads she crosses and stop trying to tell us what to print!

 

Las Vegas Weekly-We can’t use her unless she’s dripping wet with sexual innuendo and has triple D’s for our weekly cover.

 

And the now the rest of the country

 

Pat Buchanan-The chicken must be made to understand our values and morals and produce eggs to be a true American.

 

 Mike Huckabee-I say if that chicken was here at this NRA meeting today, she’d hit the floor after hearing the shots fired!

 

Barack Obama-The chicken crossed the road because she was tired of the same old government and knew it was Time For A Change! (Hey did I just hear a shot fired?)

 

Hillary Clinton-I will not stop until every chicken has crossed the road safely with health care!

 

Bill O’Reilly-That chicken is flaunting our laws and our way of life and should be eaten!

 

Al Gore-I don’t really care about that chicken, I’m too busy collecting Nobel Prizes.

 

President Bush-I have seen this chicken and she is a terrorist and will be caught by our military soon.

 

Nancy Grace-She brought it on herself, the slut, by going out and exposing her breasts to the public, I don’t have any sympathy if she made it or not!

 

Elliot Spitzer-The chicken crossed the line the same way I did and deserves to be left alone.

 

Bill Clinton-Anything with two legs can cross the line with me.

 

Newt Grinrich-That chicken is taking American jobs away from our people and should be sent back to the other side of the road immediately.

  

California Supreme Court-These chickens can marry and then cross the road, and the roosters have the same rights!

 

New Jersey Motorist-That god damn chicken didn’t pay a toll like the rest of us, the son-of-a-bitch! 

 

The above article can be reproduced with the proper credits given to the author. Thanks Randy!