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Why Did The Chicken Cross The Road?- Las Vegas Style

May 17, 2008

 

Las Vegas Motorist-Is that what that sound was a while back?

 

Las Vegas Resident-That there’s a gamblin’ chicken, let’s grab it and go play Mega Bucks!

 

Las Vegas Mayor Oscar Goodman-If one of those chickens even thinks they are going to sleep under an overpass I’ll send em’ packin’ to Utah!

 

Las Vegas’ Steve Wynn-We don’t cater to chickens crossing roads at our hotel unless they have a five star Mobil rating.

 

Las Vegas’ Sheldon Adelson (Venetian)  We allow all chickens to have conventions here regularly, especially those who hate Steve Wynn.

 

Las Vegas Tropicana-We don’t want any more problems with poultry or any other culinary enterprise.

 

Las Vegas Governor Gibbons-Well if the little chick wants to have a drink with me, what’s the harm?

 

Las Vegas Reporter George Knapp-This chicken must have come from an alien craft at a place called ” S-4″ in Nevada’s Area  51, according to my source Bob Lazar, and actually flew across the road.

 

Las Vegas’ Water Authority’s Pat Mulroy-If you think that chicken is going to stop us from running this water pipeline to the north of this state, that’s pure chickenshit.

 

Siegfried & Roy-That chicken would have been safer than our tigers, for sure.

 

Pamela Anderson-This town has enough strutting breasts, who cares about this one?

 

Gary Waddell-We’re live with the Channel 8 helicopter and can report that the walk is now over and the casino evacuation has ended.

 

Nevada Tavern Owners Association-We cater to chickens that want to smoke and cross roads!

 

Nevada Health District-That chicken will never smoke in our taverns if we catch her, now if she crosses the road and gets hepatitis from a health clinic that’s a different matter.

 

Nevada Resident Heidi Fleiss-That chicken is welcome on my ranch anytime as long as she produces.

 

Brian Greenspun-That chicken has been ignored by the right wing fanatics of the media and should be allowed to cross and cross and cross as many roads as she wants.

 

The Las Vegas Sun-Whatever the Review Journal thinks, we disagree.

 

City Life Magazine-Unless that chicken wants to do an interactive interview from a brothel, we don’t care how many roads she crosses and stop trying to tell us what to print!

 

Las Vegas Weekly-We can’t use her unless she’s dripping wet with sexual innuendo and has triple D’s for our weekly cover.

 

And the now the rest of the country

 

Pat Buchanan-The chicken must be made to understand our values and morals and produce eggs to be a true American.

 

 Mike Huckabee-I say if that chicken was here at this NRA meeting today, she’d hit the floor after hearing the shots fired!

 

Barack Obama-The chicken crossed the road because she was tired of the same old government and knew it was Time For A Change! (Hey did I just hear a shot fired?)

 

Hillary Clinton-I will not stop until every chicken has crossed the road safely with health care!

 

Bill O’Reilly-That chicken is flaunting our laws and our way of life and should be eaten!

 

Al Gore-I don’t really care about that chicken, I’m too busy collecting Nobel Prizes.

 

President Bush-I have seen this chicken and she is a terrorist and will be caught by our military soon.

 

Nancy Grace-She brought it on herself, the slut, by going out and exposing her breasts to the public, I don’t have any sympathy if she made it or not!

 

Elliot Spitzer-The chicken crossed the line the same way I did and deserves to be left alone.

 

Bill Clinton-Anything with two legs can cross the line with me.

 

Newt Grinrich-That chicken is taking American jobs away from our people and should be sent back to the other side of the road immediately.

  

California Supreme Court-These chickens can marry and then cross the road, and the roosters have the same rights!

 

New Jersey Motorist-That god damn chicken didn’t pay a toll like the rest of us, the son-of-a-bitch! 

 

The above article can be reproduced with the proper credits given to the author. Thanks Randy!

 

5 comments

  1. I finally decided to write a comment on your blog. I just wanted to say good job. I really enjoy reading your posts.


  2. Why thank you so much, Jamie. It is a pleasure to know that the efforts are appreciated. Do you look at the http://www.onlymoments.wordpress.com blog as well?
    It looks like you might as your blog is very contemporary with comment on political and news topics and only moments is much more serious in scope. Vegas Vig was a fun way to use my wit and laugh a little while providing others with some inside information on Vegas along with some serious writing.
    Thanks for stopping in!


  3. I didn’t get all the local Las Vegas references 100@, but love it, especially the “rest of the country.” I need to do one especially for South Florida. We have such a wealth of goofiness here to chose from. Just off the top of my head, the Miami Cuban-American community says, “Who cares about the chickens crossing the stupid road, it’s the 60 miles of open water between here and Cuba they need to worry about!” or Castro: he says the Cuban chickens are really cows in disguise, and rumors of their death are greatly exaggerated.” OR South Florida Motorist- The damn chicken cut me off to get in the HOV lane, cursed at me in Spanish AND his bicycle was painted hot pink!


  4. Okay SuzieQ how bout-

    Because it there was an Early Bird Special at the restaurant across the street

    to go to her bilingual PTA meeting

    to get away from the damn Yankee “snowbirds” that just came in

    to attend a Pat Buchanan for President rally

    to see if her roof was still on the house after the storm passed

    she didn’t cross the road, a Palmetto bug carried her across

    To steal some oranges from a local grove


  5. UR too damn clever by far! You are dead on! Only one I won’t agree with is the Pat Buchanan one. South Florida (our potential 51st state) does not lean that way much. It’s hard to say which way it leans at this point, as we are at war with each other ideologically here. You do bring up some great images, much better than mine, with your chicken-S. Florida thing. My fav is the Palmetto bug one. I was actually “attacked” some years ago by a giant “Palmetto Bug” who flew at me from the top of curtain rod and and tried to land on my head! I will never forgot it. Not being a FL native, I was horrified, but realized some time later that the proliferation of scary beasts here don’t end there. Not unusual to have a 6 foot ‘gator in your yard, and with new “animal immigration policy” we now hear of 6 foot pythons and such intimidating locals and eating pets, etc. No place else like this!



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