Posts Tagged ‘humor’

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In My Memorial Day

May 23, 2008

I was standing at the pharmacy section of a well-known supermarket here in Las Vegas today, the beginning of the Memorial Day Weekend, waiting for a prescription when I noticed a wall of items that made up the dividing line between the front and the back working area for the employees.  There were just three items of many different brands that engulfed a huge space across the divide.  Cigarette and nicotine aids for the supression of smoking, every possible brand of condoms including French Ticklers, lubricated, unlubricated, various colors, ultra-thin, lamb skins, six packs, etc.  The third item was “personal lubrication” not just your parent’s KY Jelly but names such as Astroglide, Aqualube, Wet, Play, five-count em’-five different versions of the KY brand including – Sensual Mist, Warming, Cooling, his, her, etc.  All items once considered distasteful to look at, much less buy in a public supermarket.  A woman next to me picked up a pack of condoms and some Astroglide and went off to the register and all I could think of was an old commercial line, “You’ve come a long way baby.”

I can remember myself praying for a male behind the counter so I wouldn’t have to get the “eyeball stare” from someone that knew my mother-but those days are long gone.  Not that I have anything against the prevention of diseases, I’m just wondering how dry one can be having sex with a lubricated condom while their patch is pumping nicotine to enhance the experience.

So, that got me thinking about social norms as well as my friend Norm whom I haven’t seen in 15 years and probably never used any of these products.  The way it used to be on a Memorial Day Weekend. Hmm………………

I remember when:

Cellular was a term for the human body

Lubrication was something done at a garage

There would have been a storm of people demonstrating all over the country for a war that lasted this long

The Patriot Act would have a snowball’s chance in hell passing through Congress

We could do math, read, and write or we didn’t pass to the next grade

You could smack a kid’s ass without the Human Service’s Child Protection Unit taking your child away

No one said the word “fuck” out loud in public unless they were working on their car and hurt their hand

People knew how to fix their own cars

Teenagers wore their pants above their hips

Crack was what you showed what you squatted with loose pants

You would never disrespect your father, much less your mother or you would be thrown out of the house

You helped your family by paying board and doing chores when you reached a certain age

Gangs consisted of misfits that sniffed gas and smoked cigarettes

Murder wasn’t something to be “looked-up to” and romanticized by music with overbearing bass lines

We had empathy and took care of our elderly, and respected our forebearers, and even researched family trees

Television and the internet didn’t keep us inside the house forever

We had friends and relationships, not acquaintances and on-line predators

We worked hard to save money for the future and expected no hand-outs

No one wanted to go to war, and no parent wanted their kids to do so

We didn’t give our economy to foreign countries because of multi-national corporations seeking the lowest labor rate and highest rate of return

We didn’t clamor about “free market enterprise” while every other country subsidizes their own private businesses, we beat them anyway

Free meant free and lawyers didn’t have a firm grip on the interpretation of those concepts

and finally-We truly cared about our neighbors, our friends, and ourselves

Where have we gone Joe D’Maggio?

The above article can be reproduced with the proper credits given to the author.

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Why Did The Chicken Cross The Road?- Las Vegas Style

May 17, 2008

 

Las Vegas Motorist-Is that what that sound was a while back?

 

Las Vegas Resident-That there’s a gamblin’ chicken, let’s grab it and go play Mega Bucks!

 

Las Vegas Mayor Oscar Goodman-If one of those chickens even thinks they are going to sleep under an overpass I’ll send em’ packin’ to Utah!

 

Las Vegas’ Steve Wynn-We don’t cater to chickens crossing roads at our hotel unless they have a five star Mobil rating.

 

Las Vegas’ Sheldon Adelson (Venetian)  We allow all chickens to have conventions here regularly, especially those who hate Steve Wynn.

 

Las Vegas Tropicana-We don’t want any more problems with poultry or any other culinary enterprise.

 

Las Vegas Governor Gibbons-Well if the little chick wants to have a drink with me, what’s the harm?

 

Las Vegas Reporter George Knapp-This chicken must have come from an alien craft at a place called ” S-4″ in Nevada’s Area  51, according to my source Bob Lazar, and actually flew across the road.

 

Las Vegas’ Water Authority’s Pat Mulroy-If you think that chicken is going to stop us from running this water pipeline to the north of this state, that’s pure chickenshit.

 

Siegfried & Roy-That chicken would have been safer than our tigers, for sure.

 

Pamela Anderson-This town has enough strutting breasts, who cares about this one?

 

Gary Waddell-We’re live with the Channel 8 helicopter and can report that the walk is now over and the casino evacuation has ended.

 

Nevada Tavern Owners Association-We cater to chickens that want to smoke and cross roads!

 

Nevada Health District-That chicken will never smoke in our taverns if we catch her, now if she crosses the road and gets hepatitis from a health clinic that’s a different matter.

 

Nevada Resident Heidi Fleiss-That chicken is welcome on my ranch anytime as long as she produces.

 

Brian Greenspun-That chicken has been ignored by the right wing fanatics of the media and should be allowed to cross and cross and cross as many roads as she wants.

 

The Las Vegas Sun-Whatever the Review Journal thinks, we disagree.

 

City Life Magazine-Unless that chicken wants to do an interactive interview from a brothel, we don’t care how many roads she crosses and stop trying to tell us what to print!

 

Las Vegas Weekly-We can’t use her unless she’s dripping wet with sexual innuendo and has triple D’s for our weekly cover.

 

And the now the rest of the country

 

Pat Buchanan-The chicken must be made to understand our values and morals and produce eggs to be a true American.

 

 Mike Huckabee-I say if that chicken was here at this NRA meeting today, she’d hit the floor after hearing the shots fired!

 

Barack Obama-The chicken crossed the road because she was tired of the same old government and knew it was Time For A Change! (Hey did I just hear a shot fired?)

 

Hillary Clinton-I will not stop until every chicken has crossed the road safely with health care!

 

Bill O’Reilly-That chicken is flaunting our laws and our way of life and should be eaten!

 

Al Gore-I don’t really care about that chicken, I’m too busy collecting Nobel Prizes.

 

President Bush-I have seen this chicken and she is a terrorist and will be caught by our military soon.

 

Nancy Grace-She brought it on herself, the slut, by going out and exposing her breasts to the public, I don’t have any sympathy if she made it or not!

 

Elliot Spitzer-The chicken crossed the line the same way I did and deserves to be left alone.

 

Bill Clinton-Anything with two legs can cross the line with me.

 

Newt Grinrich-That chicken is taking American jobs away from our people and should be sent back to the other side of the road immediately.

  

California Supreme Court-These chickens can marry and then cross the road, and the roosters have the same rights!

 

New Jersey Motorist-That god damn chicken didn’t pay a toll like the rest of us, the son-of-a-bitch! 

 

The above article can be reproduced with the proper credits given to the author. Thanks Randy!